


Funny Games

by rubymidas



Category: Funny Games (2007), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Psychopaths, Animal Death, Attempt at Humor, Awkward Sexual Situations, Betrayal, Dark Harry, Dark Louis, Golfer Niall Horan, Graphic Description, Graphic Description of Corpses, Hostage Situations, Implied Murder, Liam is Hung, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mild Sexual Content, Mind Games, Mindfuck, Organized Crime, Psychopath Harry Styles, Psychopath Louis Tomlinson, Psychopaths In Love, Sexual Harassment, Some Humor, Violence, bc the movie had it for a scene but it wont be as bad, funny games au, hope he's not deal irl..., i guess, moviefic, rip watson
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 08:09:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24467743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubymidas/pseuds/rubymidas
Summary: Two psychopathic young men hold a group of friends hostage in their summer home.orFunny Games (2007) except Harry and Louis are Peter and Paul, and Zayn, Liam, and Niall are the family.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	1. Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly a joke for me and my sister, but I'm kinda intrigued bc Funny Games is my favorite movie, so I'll try to take it seriously. This is HEAVILY inspired by the movie Funny Games (2007) by Michael Haneke, from the dialogue to the plot, but I didn't copy-paste the script this time, this is all me baby!! well, all me and Mr. Haneke...

Liam barely gets the door open when Watson, his Great Dane, barrels his giant body through the small opening, making it nearly slam into Liam’s face. 

“Watson!” He scolds, throwing an exasperated look over his shoulder at Zayn, before bending down to snatching his bags off the ground, his raven-haired friend snickering behind him, “you’re taking too long.”

Liam scoffs, continuing into the house and setting his (and Zayn’s) luggage by the staircase leading to the second floor, Zayn laying his singular shoulder bag over the top of the suitcases. 

“Where’s Niall?” Liam asks as he heads to the kitchen.

“Talking to the neighbors, golf stuff,” Zayn mutters his vague statement, following Liam and leaning against the doorframe to watch the other man file through the cupboards and fridge, typing on his phone what Zayn assumes is a shopping list.

He glances up, pausing when he sees Zayn leering, his face twisting into a scowl.

“Quit being lazy and go help Niall with the bags,” Liam frowns, turning back to his phone.

Zayn snorts and looks to the door right as Niall clambers in with his set of clubs and the rest of the luggage, dropping the bags by the stairs, straightening, and grinning brightly at Zayn with a flushed face as he gingerly leans his clubs against the wall.

“Isn’t this place great?!” he exclaims, brushing past Zayn into the kitchen with Liam.

“The folks next door invited us for a game of golf at their place tomorrow,” Niall rambles to Liam, who is busy setting up Watson’s food and water, “They’ve got an open yard that goes down to the bay, whi-”

“I’m ordering pizza.” Zayn cuts him off.

“Great! Not like I was talking or anyth-” 

“If you’re getting Domino’s, I’ve got a coupon,” Liam cuts him off this time, starting a conversation with Zayn.

Niall grumbles as he leaves the room and starts hauling the bags up the stairs, Watson following curiously.

“Right, so pizza should be here in an hour, I’ll start unpacking, you two go get the boat situated,” Liam orders as he speeds out of the kitchen, bounding up the stairs and snatching the bags out of Niall’s hands as he goes, ignoring the Irish lad’s affronted squawk.

Niall throws Zayn a face similar to the one Liam made moments earlier, before brushing it off with a shrug, trotting back down the steps, “less work for us,” he chirps, his bright smile returning.

Zayn chuckles, patting Niall’s shoulder as they head to the door, with Watson trailing behind them and joining them outside.

“I’m gonna lock him up in the yard quick, I’ll meet you there,” Zayn calls to Niall, receiving a thumbs up from the brunet as he continues down the path to the water, Zayn loops his fingers around the large dog’s collar and leads him the opposite direction.

~

Liam is in the middle of folding his shirt when he hears a faint knock at the back door.

Assuming it’s one of the guys, he sets the shirt down and makes his way down the steps. Liam definitely remembers unlocking the door, so why are they knocking?

He paces to the door behind the staircase and is surprised to see not one of his friends’ impatient glares, but the kind smile of a curly-headed stranger.

Opening the door, Liam gets a better look at the man through the screen between them.

He’s tall, taller than Liam, but nowhere near as buff, he’s wearing a white polo shirt and black shorts that go to his knees.

He stands with his hands folded behind him as he patiently awaits Liam’s greeting. 

“Uh, hello..?” Liam can’t mask his confusion, _who is this guy? How did he get through the front gate?_

“Hello,” his smile never falters, “I’m staying next door and was wondering if you’d happen to have any eggs?” 

Although he is soft-spoken, the man’s voice is surprisingly deep, Liam thinks, allowing himself to visibly calm at the polite drawl of the visitor.

Remembering the carton left from when his parents visited last week, Liam reasons that they could get rid of them, he is planning a grocery trip anyway.

“Sure thing, come on in,” he smiles, and opens the screen door, waiting for the man to step inside before he walks to the kitchen.

“How many did you need?” Liam asks as he pulls the eggs from the fridge, “Just three,” the green-eyed man softly calls back.

Liam picks out three eggs, putting the carton back before going back to the door, seeing the other man peering through the screen door to the outside.

He spins around when he hears Liam approaching him, eyes lighting up when he sees the eggs.

“There you go,” Liam smiles as he hands the eggs over, just now noticing the other man’s white gloves as he reaches with both hands to take the eggs.

“Thank you so much, this is perfect,” the taller one all gushes, stepping back and moving one hand to open the door, “I’ll let them know how kind you are, thank you.”

Liam can’t help but smile at this strange person’s mannerisms, “Not a problem, mate,” the man beams back then turns abruptly, the hand holding the eggs hits the door frame, and the two men watch as the eggs tragically splat against the floor.

The culprit smiles guiltily, “Oops,” he mumbles, and Liam raises his eyebrows in disbelief, but smiles-tightly nonetheless.

“That’s alright, accidents happen,” he goes to get a towel from the kitchen, coming back and kneeling down to clean the mess as the man watches from above with an almost-amused expression.

“I really am sorry, I hope this doesn’t ruin my chances of getting another set of eggs?” he asks meekly and Liam huffs a laugh, thinking the man is joking, but the quizzical look he gets shows the man is being serious.

At this point Liam is annoyed, but he doesn’t want to be rude, they were probably going to be golfing with this clutz the next day, so he nods curtly and stands, speeding back to the kitchen and dropping the mess of paper towels and egg remnants into the trash before pulling the carton from the fridge.

There are only three eggs left in the carton, so he brings the whole thing out and hands it to the now-unwelcome guest, which he once again takes with both of his gloved hands.

He smiles sweetly at Liam, “thank you, sorry, again,” he says as he once again exits. 

Liam closes the door behind him, taking a deep breath and letting it out through a laugh, he shakes his head as he goes back upstairs to continue unpacking, making it through almost all of his belongings when he hears Watson barking, then the front door swinging open and closed. 

Watson only ever barks when he meets new people, so Liam has a feeling he knows who just entered his house.

Storming out of his room to confront the man he continues to like less and less, he’s startled when he sees another white-gloved stranger in the doorway, standing next to the clumsy, taller man as they stare at Watson jumping on the screen door from the other side.

The new person looks similar to his friend, wearing a matching pair of white gloves which blend into his long-sleeved white shirt, though his shorts are also white, and he’s much shorter.

The new guy looks up at Liam, the curly-haired one following his friend’s eyes, blue and green landing on brown.

“Your dog jumped on Harry,” the shorter one deadpans, a look of disapproval in his eyes, “It made me drop the eggs,” _Harry_ adds with a pout.

Liam is stunned, he can’t believe what he is hearing or seeing

_Who are these guys?_

“Uhh, I’m sorry?” Is all he says, which apparently was the right thing to say because blue-eyes immediately turns friendly.

“Don’t worry about it, I forgot Harold here is afraid of dogs, I should’ve come myself…” He trails off when his eyes land on Niall’s clubs leaning on the wall by the stairs.

“Wow!” He exclaims, stepping towards the bag. “These are a great set of clubs, do you mind?” He picks up the driver, examining the quality while Harry watches him with a smirk.

Liam looks between the two, an odd sense of dread building up in his stomach, but he pushes it down to be polite, clearing his throat, “They’re my mate’s, he’s a big fan of golf.”

“Do you have balls?” _Louis_ asks, with a mischievous glint in his eye, and Liam fish-mouths.

“Golf balls, I mean,” he giggles, “I’d love to try out the clubs for myself, see what we’re up against tomorrow,” he winks at Harry.

Liam sighs, “They’re in the side bag,” he gestures with one hand.

Louis silently unzips the pouch and pulls out a singular ball, grinning sweetly at Liam as he does so.

He zips the bag back up and walks towards the front door, “I’ll be quick, I’m just going to hit it over the bay,” he opens the door, turning and smiling at Liam, “Thanks, again.”

Liam watches him walk to the back yard, not being able to itch the sense of dread and becoming increasingly paranoid.

“Louis loves golfing, we both do,” Harry comments from his side, Liam’s eyes snapping to him, but he says nothing in response.

~

Niall and Zayn are walking back up the path when Watson starts barking loudly again. 

“Watson, quiet!” Niall shouts to no avail, he looks at Zayn, “What’s the matter with him?” 

“Squirrels, probably,” Zayn guesses, though his brows are furrowed, he’s never heard Watson bark so much.

They continue up the trail in silence, listening to the animal going nuts when suddenly they hear Watson cry, silence following.

They share a concerned look before speeding up the rest of the way.


	2. Red flags and Violence

Liam had been anxiously waiting for an excuse to follow after the shorter obtruder, and he storms out of the house the second he hears Watson’s wail.

He’s rushing around the house searching for his dog when Louis appears next to him out of nowhere.

“It’s wonderful,” he holds the club out to Liam, “it really makes the difference, like night and day.” Louis smiles all sweet and innocent, but Liam can’t help but feel unnerved as he slowly takes the club.

“Thanks a lot,” the shorter one beams once Liam has the driver.

“Sure...” Liam starts walking back to the house when Louis speaks up again,

“Where’s Sun?”

“What?” Liam stops walking and Louis brushes past him,

“Did you say you were sorry yet?”

The blue-eyed intruder continues his venture inside and Liam stops in his tracks, fish mouthing, for a moment before storming after the blue-eyed man back inside the house.

“The driver’s really first class, you should try it,” Louis is gushing to his taller friend as Liam opens the door.

“Look, I don’t know what kind of game you’re playing, but I don't want to be a part of it,” Liam clips, swiftly walking toward the gold bag and putting the driver back.

He turns to Harry and Louis, “Would you please leave now?”

There’s a long pause when the two share an appalled look before they both turn back to Liam.

“What game?” Louis asks, “I’m sorry mate, but I don’t understand why you’re suddenly being so unfriendly...”

He looks at Harry, “was it him?” Then directs his question to Harry, “did you misbehave while I was gone?”

Liam huffs a laugh in disbelief, “stop it.” He walks to the door and opens it, holding it open with one hand.

“I asked you nicely to leave, now I’d like you to go,” he gestures outside with his other hand.

Louis’ mouth is agape in shock, though he shakes it off and walks to the door.

“Well... I don't understand what's upset you.

but if you insist,” he leans against the doorframe, “just apologize and we won't bother you anymore.”

“Excuse me?” Liam scoffs, standing straighter.

Louis continues seamlessly, “we'll have to tell Eve and Fred, obviously... Nothing like this has happened to me before,” he looks at Harry, “What about you?” the taller shakes his head in mock-bewilderment.

Louis sighs, closing his eyes, before turning back to Liam, “Can you just give Harry an apology, please?”

“No, how dare you,” Liam is in shock, not knowing how to deal with the situation.

“Please just go. Right now,” he thrusts a hand to the door.

The pair share a look, and Harry hesitantly steps forward. “Did I do something wrong?”

Liam stomps to Harry and grabs his arm, “I asked you to leave, I want you to go,” he scolds as he tries to yank the lanky man outside, right as Zayn and Niall get to the door.

Zayn opens the door, not sparing more than a glance at the two strangers, “have you seen the dog-”

“Will you throw them out?” Liam cuts him off, relieved to have his friends at his defense. He opens the door for them, Niall after Zayn.

“It's good you're here, Zayn,” Louis interjects, Zayn eyes snapping to the shorter man.

“-that's your name, isn't it? Zayn?”

“...Yes?” Zayn’s eyes narrow slightly.

“Yeah, Fre- Mr. Thompson told us,” Louis beams, Harry matching his smile with a small nod, and Niall smiles at the mention of their neighbor.

Zayn eyes the two weird boys before focusing back on Liam, who watches the exchange pouting.

“What's going on?”

“I want them to leave,” Liam explains, annoyed.

Louis speaks up before Zayn can, “Your friend’s under the wrong impression, I'm happy you're here, I'm certain you can figure out this misunderstanding.”

Liam grabs Louis’ arm, trying to pull him out as he did with Harry, making the smaller man chuckle at his attempt.

“Just go. Please, go!” He demands.

Zayn takes Liam’s arm, “Hey, Li,” he coos, but Liam yanks his arm away.

“This is ridiculous! I can't believe this!” He storms into the living room and slams the door.

Zayn and Niall share a perplexed look.

Harry starts. “May I please explain what happened?”

“Please do,” Zayn responds jaded.

“Mrs. Thompson sent me over to ask for some eggs. and then-”

Louis interrupts, “Your lad gave Harry the eggs, but, unfortunately, they broke.”

Harry continues, “And then he gave me another four eggs...but the dog jumped on me, and now…” He trails off, Zayn stays silent, his eyes narrowed slightly.

“Liam!” He shouts to Liam in the other room, the grumpy man opening the door, “can you tell me what's going on here?”

Liam says nothing, and Zayn stands to talk to Liam privately

“Li, if it's just about some eggs why are you so angry?”

“I'm not going to justify myself in front-” he takes a deep breath, lowering his voice, “I asked you to throw them out; maybe I have my reasons.” 

Liam tries to signal that he’s uncomfortable, Zayn doesn’t seem to get it as his gaze goes back and forth between the two odd but polite men, and his angry friend.

“Do what you want, I've had enough,” Liam scoffs, leaving the room again.

“Li,” Zayn calls after him to no avail, leaving him and Niall with the white-gloved twosome, “I'm sorry, he’s not feeling well, so…” He trails off expectantly.

“Yeah,” Louis agrees verbally, Harry smiles in understanding, and Zayn just stares at them with a blank expression when they don’t get the hint.

“...Could you please leave? I can hardly play the mediator if I don't know the facts, now can I?” He laughs awkwardly, “So could you just leave, please?”

There’s a long silence of Zayn looking between the two in evergrowing irritation before Harry walks toward him, Louis trailing behind, and they stop in front of Zayn.

“What?” Zayn snaps.

“Just say ‘sorry’.” Louis supplies.

Zayn barks out a bitter laugh. “What the hell is going on here?” 

“Nothing's going on, lad. Harry asked for the eggs, the dog attacked him, they broke. Now he would like an apology. What is so _difficult_ to understand?”

Zayn is taken aback at the blue-eyed one’s sass. 

“You better watch your tone, mate,” he says darkly.

Louis steps forward, eyebrow raised in challenge, “You’d better be careful, ‘mate’, or I'll break your eggs,” he laughs brightly, eyes crinkled in sarcastic glee. 

His smile quickly drops when Zayn smacks him across the face, Harry gasping in shock, but Zayn turns before they can say anything.

Zayn walks to the living room, where Liam is, taking Niall’s arm as he walks away. 

“Leave. Right now,” he barks over his shoulder.

“Zayn,” Harry calls softly, and Zayn turns.

“Wha-“ Zayn cuts himself off with a scream when his knee is bashed with a golf club, and he drops to the floor.

“Zayn!” Niall screams, dropping down to Zayn’s side to help him sit up, then standing and walking threateningly towards Harry. 

“Bad idea,” Louis giggles in a singsong voice, watching as Harry easily shoves Niall to the floor and pins him down.

The living room door opens and Harry’s grip loosens, Niall, scrambling out from under him and past Liam in the doorway. 

Liam yells when he sees Zayn on the floor and runs to his side, helping him up and into a chair, ignoring the perpetrators behind him. 

“Be careful, man, he’s unpredictable,” Louis warns, tilting his head at Zayn, “He slapped me in the face.”

“Yeah, he started it,” the curly-haired one chimes in. 

Liam glares at them both and looks back at Zayn.

“What happened?” 

“It's my knee,” Zayn grits out in a calm tone. 

“He should sit, bring him a chair,” Louis suggests from across the room, stood next to his taller beau.

Liam twists towards Niall, who’s hiding in the doorway.

“Go get him a chair, Ni,” Liam asks quietly, and Niall nods and speeds to grab a chair from the main room, hesitantly bringing it to the foyer with small glances at Louis and Harry, who watch with amused expressions. 

“Harry is a- He's a medical student, he can help you with it,” Louis speaks up from his spot leaning against the doorway, Harry smiling politely as he stands in front of the back exit, subtly blocking the door.

Louis looks at Harry and tilts his head toward Zayn, and the curly-haired one walks over to the trio, “Can you please take off your pants?” He asks politely as reaching out to Zayn’s leg, and Zayn smacks his hand away.

Harry huffs, “If you don't let me see your wound, I can't help you. I'm sorry I hurt you, but you forced me to, you must admit.”

Louis adds in, “Come on, Liam, be reasonable. Let him look at your leg, he can help you with it.”

Zayn glare switches between the two intruders, while Niall and Liam stand uselessly on either side of his chair, “Would you please...leave? Please.”

Harry sighs, “We won't get anywhere like this,” he mutters under his breath and walks to the living room, Niall’s wide fearful eyes following his movement, but Liam’s stay locked on the shorter one standing in the doorway.

Louis’ humored stare flicks from Harry back to Zayn.

“You have to let him help you, you don't really have a choice,” he shrugs, assessing the three, “You're the ship's captain, sir. You're aware that on board the captain's word is law, aren't you? So what do you want to do? Do you want to call someone? An ambulance or the police? I won't stop you, neither will Sun. Right, Sun?”

Harry nods and shrugs his shoulders, Louis stares expectedly at the trio.

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

There’s a long pause, and Zayn looks up at Liam, and Liam whispers to Niall to stay with Zayn before he rushes to the kitchen to get his phone from the counter, and something catches his eye as he whips past the white sink.

Cringing, Liam backpedals and gasps when he sees three iPhones submerged underwater in the sink, he takes a calming breath to stop himself from crying.

He slowly walks back from the kitchen, shaking like a leaf.

Liam walks back beside Zayn and whispers “He dropped the cell phones in the sink.”

More tears fall from Niall’s eyes after hearing the dreadful statement, none of them could have possibly prepared for this, and none knew of Harry and Louis’s intentions.

“Why are you doing this?” Zayn speaks in a calm tone, still.

“Why not?” Harry speaks up first with a friendly grin, looking at each of them in the eyes, except for Liam, who keeps his gaze downcast.

Niall looks even more terrified, while Zayn turns to Louis, begging for this to all be a joke, but Louis just looks at him blankly.

Suddenly the blue-eyed one lights up, “Okay, let's play another game. It's a guessing game,” he reaches into his pocket and holds up a golfball in between his thumb and forefinger, “What is this?”

Zayn’s eyes narrow even more so, and Liam is about to puke.

Louis tosses the golf ball on the floor and it bounces a little before rolling to Zayn.

“Sir?” he persists as the ball bounces off of Zayn’s foot and it hits his other.

“It's a golf ball.”

“Correct!” Louis exclaims with a bright smile, “It's a golf ball. But why do I have it in my pocket?” He scrunches his eyes in confusion and clasps his hands in front of him.

Nobody answers.

“Hm? Liam knows why,” Louis points his chin at Liam, “Because...? Well?”

Still, nobody answers, and Louis rolls his eyes and faces Harry, “Well?” He repeats.

Harry’s gaze moves to Louis, and they seem to speak to each other through their eyes for a moment.

“Because you didn't hit it,” Harry says finally.

Louis beams, “Correct! Because I didn't hit it. And why didn't I hit it?”

“Because something stopped you,” Harry responds immediately and smiles at the three friends.

“Correct! Because I had to test the club in another way!”

Louis and Harry watch the realization hit with matching expressions of pure enjoyment at what they’re doing.

Liam stares at Louis, appalled. “Where is he?” He hisses.


	3. It Only Matters When It's The Dog

Louis leads Liam to the side of the house where the car and greenhouse are, and Liam is walking all around looking for his dog with dread overtaking his entire body.

“Cold,” Louis calls from where he’s standing, and Liam looks at him in confusion and continues walking upstairs to the garage.

“Even colder,” the blue-eyed says softly, and Liam understands Louis is trying to play the hot and cold game giving Louis a death glare, but Louis just giggles silently and signals with his hand for Liam to continue.

Liam walks to the other stairs leading into the greenhouse, “Ice cold.”

He walks past the car, “Warmer.”

He walks toward the car again, “Warmer.”

Liam opens the trunk door and chokes. “Really warm,” Louis mumbles as they watch Watson’s limp body rolls out of the car and onto the gravel.

~

Meanwhile, Harry, Zayn, and Niall wait for Louis and Liam to return, Harry leaning against the front door hinge with the golf club resting on the opposite side, the same driver that he shattered Zayn’s kneecap with earlier. 

He turns to the two, “Would you please go to the kitchen and get me something to eat?”

Zayn grimaces at Harry and Niall stays silent.

“Would that be possible?” Harry importunates, and Zayn rolls his eyes before nudging Niall and tell him to get something. 

After a moment, Niall rushes to the kitchen, Harry’s eyes following.

“Maybe there's some bananas or…” He calls to the blond, trailing off as he faces the outside again.

Harry calls out once again, “Please don't think about bringing back a knife or anything like that… or I'd be sorry,” he chuckles, “For you, I mean.”

It falls silent again and Harry tilts his head to look at the sky through the screen door.

“It's getting cloudy,” he says offhandedly.

Niall returns with two bananas and cautiously approaches Harry, handing them to him. 

“That's very nice of you, thank you,” Harry says sweetly.

~

Once Liam and Louis returned inside, the latter decided they should move to the living room so they can all sit and Zayn can rest his leg.

“Just a second, let me move this out of the way,” Louis offers, pushing the coffee table out of the way, and Harry speaks up as he does so, “Why don't you have a landline? Don't you find it convenient? Or is it that you aren't out here that much?”

Louis stands straight as gestures to the couch, “Please, have a seat.”

They watch as the three friends struggle to walk over and sit on the couch.

“You know you can be completely open with us,” Harry continues, an amused quirk to his lips, “You'd feel better. We're being completely open with you.”

“You know, if you'd let Harry help you, it would hurt less,” Louis suggests, standing facing the front of the couch while Harry leans against the wall to the side of them, still holding the driver.

“I'm happy to help, really, I just don't want to impose,” Harry says softly, agreeing with Louis. 

Their words are ignored as Liam tries to help Zayn rest his leg on the couch, looking more annoyed than anything, while Niall helplessly stands there in confused fear. 

The perpetrators continue to make comments and suggestions, but not doing anything to help, as they insist they are trying to do.

“You sure you don't wanna put a pillow-?”

“Could you please stop this?” Liam cuts Louis off, eyes dark and face twisted in anger, which would be intimidating to the average person, but Louis simply raises his eyebrows.

“You're asking?” He asks as if taken aback by Liam’s outburst.

“What?” 

“You said "please.”

Liam rolls his eyes and stands abruptly, storming out of the room past Harry.

His smile never faltering, Louis moves his attention toward the other two still on the couch.  
“I'm very happy about this,” he beams, “it's easier when things are polite.” Louis focuses on Zayn after a beat. “I'd like to apologize for before, but you have to admit, Zayn, the slap in the face? It really wasn't the most appropriate reaction.” He walks up to the scowling man and crouches in front of him, holding out his hand.

“I'm Louis, this is Harry.” He points his thumb at Harry, who waves ever so politely. 

“Come here, Sun, where are your manners? Shake the man's hand,” Louis scolds, and Harry hurries over and holds his hand out, but is interrupted when Liam returns with a glass of water and two pills.

“Here, take this for the pain,” Liam reaches out to the pills to Zayn when Louis suddenly shoves him forward onto the couch, Zayn screaming as Liam lands on his leg.

“What's this now? What, are we shit to you?” Louis shouts over Zayn’s loud cries, and Liam runs at the blue-eyed man with his fist raised, but Harry hits him in the back with the club before he can reach Louis, who knees him in the stomach before shoving him back onto the couch, Zayn having moved his leg during all the commotion.

“Jesus Christ!” Louis exclaims when Niall attempts to fight back but is easily overpowered by Harry, who holds him on the ground. “Stop it!” Louis yells in his face, “Do you understand?!” Niall flinches heavily but stops squirming and Harry lets him go, standing up next to Louis.

Louis shares a bewildered look with Harry as he brushes himself off. “So much stress for politeness's sake,” he scoffs, sitting at the couch across from the trio, Harry following.

“I mean, I was just trying to be friendly, improve relations. I thought we could keep this civilized.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be longer


	4. Deception and Aggression

“Why are you doing this?” Zayn grumbles.

Louis opens his mouth to say something, but closes it, turning to Harry.

“Curly, why are we doing this?” Harry looks confused, glancing between Louis and the others.

“Go on. say it,” Louis presses.

“I don't know.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “The captain would like to know why,” he says condescendingly. “Well?”

“It's difficult to talk about it,” Harry mumbles. 

“Don't be shy.”

“You know exactly how hard this is for me,” Harry glares back at Louis, who rolls his eyes again.

“Jesus, what a drama,” he mumbles under his breath before turning to the others on the opposite couch. “His father divorced his mother when he was this big,” he pinches his forefinger and thumb together, “for another woman-”

“It's not true! He's lying,” Harry exclaims, his voice breaking. “My mother got a divorce because…”

“...Because she wanted her little teddy bear all to herself, which is why he's gay, and he's a criminal. Got it?” 

“You're an asshole,” Harry snaps at Louis, who only smirks before continuing.

“The truth is…” He glimpses at Harry before lowering his voice as if the man next to him wouldn’t hear it. “He's white trash. He comes from a filthy, deprived family. Five siblings, all of them on drugs, his father is an alcoholic, his mother…” he winces, “Well, I mean, you can imagine.”

Liam, Niall, and Zayn have been silently watching the two banter with great trepidation, but they can’t help but pity Harry, who sobs as Louis humiliates him,

“Truth is...he's fucking her,” Harry whips his head to the side to face Louis, his cries getting harder. Louis doesn’t spare him a glance. “It's sad, but it's true.”

Louis looks at Harry. “Come on, calm down now, Curly.” He admonishes.

“Stop it, you're disgusting,” Zayn spits.

“Oh. I'm… I'm sorry.” Louis says in mock-sympathy. “What would you like to hear? What would make you happy? None of what I said is true, you know that as well as I do. You think he's white trash? Come on, he's a spoiled little brat. He's jaded and disgusted by the emptiness of existence. It's hard. Really.”

Harry quietly laughs to himself, catching Louis’ attention, and Louis smiles brightly back.

“He liked that. Look, now he's smiling. Are you happy now, or you want another version?”

He’s met with silence, then Harry suddenly stands. “I'm hungry, let's see what there is,” he mutters under his breath, handing the driver to Louis as he heads to the kitchen.

Louis follows him with his eyes, a disgusted look on his face. He closes his eyes and takes a calming breath before speaking.

“Truth is… he's a drug addict. That's where he's going to right now, that's why he's so nervous. I'm also a drug addict. We rob rich families in their charming vacation homes to support our habit.”

“Stop this bullshit. I get it, isn't that enough?” Zayn exclaims.

Louis burst out laughing, “That's good! Hey, Curly, he's got it! He gets it!” 

“That's awesome, really. Listen- Harry, come here.” Louis impatiently shouts to Harry, who is still rooting around in the kitchen.

“Listen, we're gonna make a bet now, okay?” He giggles, Harry finally sitting down next to him with a plate full of sliced watermelon, which Liam was saving for dinner, and his frown deepens. 

Louis glances at his friend eating fruit. “Okay, we bet- What time is it?”

Harry covers his mouth. “Eight-forty.”

“-that in, let's say 12 hours, all three of you are gonna be... kaput. Okay?”

Liam furrows his brow. “What?”

“You bet that you'll be alive tomorrow at 9:00, and we bet that you'll be dead, okay?” Louis smiles condescendingly from behind the golf club in his hand, watching his victims’ faces erupt in terror. 

Niall has fat tears streaming down his cheeks as he looks helplessly toward Liam and Zayn, who give broken smiles of reassure

“They don't wanna bet,” Harry says conversationally to Louis as he sets his plate down.

“Well, it's not an option, there has to be a bet.”

“But wait, what kind of bet is this? If they're dead they can't live up to their side, and if they win they can't live either.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Yes, they'll lose, either way, that's what I'm saying.”

“Stop this nonsense,” Zayn shouts suddenly. “Are you trying to scare us? Haven't you done enough already?” The white-gloved men’s eyes widen, but they stay silent. 

“What do you want? You want money? Well, take it. Take what you want, just get out.”

Liam speaks up. “Yeah, don't you think our neighbors are going to come over and see what's happening?”

Louis seems to be thinking for a moment. “And then they're gonna give us a thorough spanking, right?”

Liam and Zayn sag in defeat, giving up their attempt of gaining the upper hand.

Louis’s smile returns. “Okay, so the bet is on. Like they say on TV: Let's make a deal... So, what do you want to do now?”

Harry sits a beat before leaning forward and whispers to Liam “Would you be so kind as to go and make us something to eat?”

Louis sighs. “Curly… I'm worried about you. Can you control yourself? You just finished stuffing your face with that meat. It's disgusting, what are these people going to think?” He sounds disappointed, and Harry reaches for the driver, yanking it from Louis’ hand.

“I haven't had anything since noon and stop calling me ‘Curly’ all the time.”

“Okay, Sun.” Louis clips. 

“Okay, Moon.”

Louis mocks Harry’s deep voice. “Okay, well, I think you should watch your figure. Do you think that that's attractive?

“Look at Liam, You think he thinks you're hot? With these jelly rolls?” He pinches Harry’s side, and Harry starts laughing, trying to avoid Louis’ hand. “Stop it!” He giggles.

“Look at him, he's not that old. You would be completely acceptable to him if it wasn't for that body. You should follow his lead. Now, that is a well-toned body, and I bet he has a big cock, too.” Liam’s jaw drops in shock while Zayn scoffs in disgust, both horrified at the last part of the smaller of the two’s harassment.

“I'm not so sure,” Harry hums.

“What?” Louis throws a look of shock at Liam. “Did you hear that?” He smacks Harry’s arm. “Curly, that's really rude. Are we gonna take that, Sir?” He asks 

Liam immediately catches the implication and stands abruptly, speed walking out of the room.

Niall stands to follow his friend out of the room, only to be blocked by Harry with the golf club. Harry grabs his arm and pulls him back toward Louis and Zayn, Liam hurriedly following, not wanting his friend to get hurt.

“Leave him alone,” Liam growls, making Louis smile, delighted over the closeness of the three friends. “Don't panic, nothing's going to happen,” he coos, getting comfortable again on the couch as he observes his audience. 

“Now, If I remember correctly, Liam here wanted to sneak off. Curly, why was that?” 

“I don't know,” Harry responds coyly, still gripping Nialls arm, Liam on his other side.

Louis clicks his tongue. “Is lying allowed? What kind of example are you setting for these people? Curly, you know exactly why he wanted to leave.”

Harry giggles. “Because you started talking about his jelly rolls.”

“I-What?” Louis scoffs, “You're the one who's doubted his perfection! Whatever, it doesn't matter… Anyway, I understand why he was embarrassed,” he flicks his gaze to Liam, “Obviously he’s packing something huge, otherwise he wouldn’t be so modest, correct?”

Louis doesn’t wait for an answer, “But there’s nothing to be ashamed of, Liam, surely your friends here have seen your dick before, so why the hesitation now?”

Liams huffs, rubbing his hands over his face. “Fine, whatever. If I show you my dick will you leave?”

Louis gasps. “Well, that’s not very charming of you. Harry and I are looking to prove our opposing points, we’re not perverts.”

Harry moves to sit next to Louis again, pushing Niall next to Zayn on the opposite couch on his way. Niall catches himself before his arm hits Zayn, and he moves closer to his friend.

Liam rolls his eyes at Louis, beginning to undo the button of his pants.

“Wait,” Louis stops him, Liam’s fingers pausing, “Shirt first.” With a sigh, Liam moves to pull his shirt over his head. Louis whistles, Harry’s eyes flickering all over the man’s chiseled torso.

“No jelly rolls,” Louis elbows Harry without looking at him. “Now we know his dick is big, but is he a grower or a shower?” The white-gloved duo snickers to themselves before focusing on Liam again, who frowns as he continues undoing his zipper before pulling his pants and underwear to his knees, cheeks pink and tears in his eyes. 

Louis starts a slow clap. “Bravo!” 

“What did I say? No jelly rolls, and a big dick! Now we can get dressed again, thank you.” Liam immediately pulls his pants back up, moving to grab his shirt off the floor.

Louis makes a disgusted sound. “Gross, Curly, look at Zayn. Go change his pants.” He gestured to the ever-growing patch of blood on his knee, which is now browning and making the denim crusty. 

Harry moves to Zayn and reaches to pick him up, with much resistance on the injured one’s side. Niall holds onto Zayn, weakly shoving Harry’s hands away. “It's okay, I'm not doing anything to him,” Harry assures, succeeding in holding Zayn in bridal style as he starts to walk to the bathroom.

“Let go of him!” Liam shouts, running at Harry. He drops Zayn back on the couch, the man screaming in agony, before taking Liam's arms and trying to pin him to the floor.

Louis notices Niall booking it out of the room, faintly hearing footsteps go up the stairs over the sound of Liam and Zayn’s screams.


End file.
